BONUS: HANNIBAL Finds Religion

[Email sent to members of H- and M-cells.]

My Dear Friends and Colleagues;

Doubtless you are all somewhere exotic or dangerous looking after the fate of humankind while I am MIA (again). I am filled with deep personal shame that I can't be with you. If I am to be of any use to anyone, I just need to focus on me right now.

I thought I was so smooth, undetectable, but by now every person who ever knew me knows the truth of it. I am an addict. I can finally say it without shame. I am an alcoholic. For the life of me I don't know how I fell this far. But trust that I am taking steps to get it under control. I feel clearer now, better. Even so, professionally and personally, I know I have let a lot of people down. I have been involved in a love affair that has threatened to destroy me, and taken all of you along for the ride. I've suffered and caused suffering. Christ, my hands are shaking as I think about what a shit I have been.... please forgive me... blah blah blah... in a program now... blah blah blah... really believe in this 12 step thing... yadda yadda yadda... Jesus Christ as my personal savior...

Let me just share these words with you, from which I draw tremendous strength and meaning:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6

[Another five pages of teary sentiment, emotional blubbering, reminiscing, Biblical references, over wrought compliments to everyone and, of course, lots and lots of promises, apologies and fervor...]

In closing, where ever God may sent you, I invite you all to read these words and join me in prayer, for they are words even the faithless, and especially those in our line of work, may place their confidence:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Gob bless you and keep you.

In the Light of Jesus Christ,

HANNIBAL

[the reader will be left with a mild sense of relief for HANNIBAL's welfare that is, unfortunately, vastly overshadowed by the creepy under tones of fanatical Jesus talk, self-loathing and cult-like, doe-eyed qualities common to people in AA.]